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Swift Resolve Coaching
Articles - Family Stress, Communication, Relationships
Believing the potential of human possibilities,
uniquely yours
By Theresa Swift, Dec 23, 2008
As a life and business coach, I was directly reminded about the stress of families and holiday times from a
past client of mine, Sarah. (Written with her permission, name changed). Sarah just loves the Christmas
holidays. She enjoys going home to see friends and family, eating goodies, singing carols… hanging
out. This year though she was faced with a family health emergency, drama, and interpersonal stressors --
all within the first 24 hours of her flight landing! She was overwhelmed. Her emotional roller coaster had
visited many stops: happiness, worry, anger, compassion, dread, peace, frustration. Family stress, help!
Many of you too may be faced with situational or family challenges. Here are some suggestions when
going through turbulent times.
Unexpected Situations
Wanted: No drama! Nice in theory but how do you practice it in real life? Sarah’s sister had just been
rushed to the hospital. Worries jumped to the forefront and “took over” for most of the family members.
Though unspoken, their biggest fears underlay their conversations, decisions, and behaviors. For
instance: fear of death, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone. These led to more worries, panics, and
“what ifs”, such as, doctor’s competency, Rx allergies, misdiagnosis. All the while, the community system
got rolling trying to resolve the unknowns -- who takes care of the kids, how to get off work, family
communication, too much, too little, etc. A dramatic movie in the making!
Boundaries are useful during family drama times -- specifically the boundaries of ownership and
responsibility. Those are important so that family members don’t jump into roles that are inappropriate or
unhealthy, e.g. ‘play doctor’ by giving medical advice. Who makes decisions for the patient if she
cannot? Although my example is a medical one, you may have different emergencies or unexpected
situations that you’re currently managing. Determining boundaries and roles apply to any new situation.
Self-management is helpful in unexpected circumstances. Are you the type of person who gets worked
up by your inner thoughts? Are there times that you’re no longer supportive or helpful because you’re so
stressed out and worried? Ask yourself if you can control the current situation in a healthy, positive
manner. If you cannot, then give yourself a short time limit to accept that fact, and then ‘let it go’. By ‘let
it go’, I mean, tell your inner voices to ‘take a hike’! Worry takes a toll on our physical and emotional well
being. Keep your thoughts focused only on what you can control.
Personality & Communication Challenges
During that first day, Sarah was witness to blatant criticisms and those “cute” veiled types. Both hit the
mark! The comments were diffused by humor or received with sadness or retaliated by anger. Some
topics were brewing for years and others were new. Underneath it all, there was a need to be heard by
both receiver and criticizer. Clear communication, warm focused attention, and early resolution will help
your family relationships thrive.
Speaking Tips
As I listened to Sarah talk, I was reminded of a skill that many people know but often find hard to put into
practice: Start sentences with “I”. During emotional discussions people tend to say “You”. Frequently “you
statements” sound accusatory. The same message, when structured differently, can open the door for a
constructive discussion. For instance, “I feel hurt when you went without me to the movies, because I
thought we agreed to meet tonight for dinner”. Contrast this with, “You’re unreliable! You never think of
me!” Of course it’s not always easy to do in the heat of the moment. Make a commitment today to re-think
how you might say something before speaking.
Listening Tips
The listener also has a choice. As a listener, it’s quite easy to add your own interpretation to what you
hear. For instance, if a parent asks, “Why did you take that job?” You might answer, “My skills match what
the company wanted, and I like my co-workers.” Someone else might respond, “You always mistrust my
choices! You never like what I decide.” The first person listened to the words and tone of the question
responding neutrally. The second response initiated a conflict because something extra was presumed in
the question. Presumptions can cause all sorts of havoc. Notice your personal listening habits with your
family.
At one point Sarah was on the phone with her aunt who was complaining about a brother, then her father,
then her mother, and wouldn’t you know it, Sarah was on the short-list too. How do you react when you’re
at the end of a firing squad (or so it feels)? Rather than defend herself, explain, or attack back, Sarah
tried to listen as an “observer”. She was able to mentally and emotionally step back from the piercing
words. It gave her some time to think about how to respond with maturity rather than quickly engaging in
battle.
Stress Reduction Summary
- Boundaries: Identify who is responsible for decisions during times of emergency.
- Self-management: If you’re internal thoughts are making you more stressed out, change them.
- “I”: Use non-violent communication (www.cnvc.org) rather than resorting to criticism, as an easier
way to ask for a change or get needs met.
- Fact-based listening: Lessen your presumptions.
- Step back & observe: Don’t take things personally.
- Patience: Give your mind a chance to “think before reacting”.
- Wisdom: Choose the mature, more loving response over escalation.
Your will, choice, and commitment are key dynamics for decreased stress this year. Will and desire for
something better. Choice of harmony in relationships and worry-free thoughts. Commitment and
initiative to practice skills.
About The Author:
Theresa Swift, MS, CRC, is a life and business coach, author, and president of Swift Resolve Coaching.
A change specialist, she coaches those who are ready to transform their lives, businesses and
relationships.
Permission is granted to either reproduce copy or distribute article so long as this copyright notice
and full information about contacting the author is attached. The author is Theresa Swift, President of
Swift Resolve Coaching, http://www.swiftresolvecoaching.com/ PO Box 3142, Laguna Hills, CA,
92654. 408-835-3713.